Aparna Thapar, 40 years

Trying to build a new relationship later in life is a strange blend of hope mixed with caution mixed with self-awareness. I got married at 21, which now feels almost like remembering someone else's life from a long time ago. At that age you are still guessing who you are. You make choices with a sense of open space in front of you. Everything is coloured in a lens of optimism and the sheer possibilities ahead. By the time you reach 40, that space has a shape. You are not a blank slate anymore. You've become a dog-eared book with chapters overflowing with your experiences.

Even nine years after my divorce, I am surprised by how deeply old patterns stay in one's DNA. They show up in how you handle conflict, how you show affection, how much you give without asking for anything back… For me it is often the instinct to smooth over disagreements before they even start, a habit left over from years of trying to keep the peace. When you do rebuild a life piece by piece, you naturally become fiercely protective of the person you have worked hard to become. And that makes you much more picky about who you let into your space.

The research backs this. Psychologist Eli Finkel, author of The All or Nothing Marriage (a good read for anyone interested in this stuff), writes about how the expectations we bring into relationships change over time. In later life we look for things like depth, growth, and emotional alignment, not just superficial compatibility and companionship. With age, we get clearer about what we can genuinely offer, what we deeply value, and what we truly need. That clarity helps, but it also makes us slower to let someone into the life we have rebuilt.

From my own experience, age also sharpens your instinct for subtler signals. How someone handles stress; whether they listen; whether their words match their actions.. You pay close attention because you have paid the cost of getting those things wrong.

Yet, I don't think love gets harder with age, it just becomes more intentional. You choose with a clearer head and for the right reasons. And when you do find love at a later age, it is worth every bit of the work it took to become the person who could receive it.